Looking Up

Lately I’ve been looking up at clouds
a little more than ever before
Is it just me
or do they seem
slightly closer?
I can see them from inside this train
I know they once held rain
in their hands
and where it lands
they care not
This train is packed tight with people
who have been soaked to the bone
just trying to get home
without one more drop falling
on their already saturated selves
Some thought life was a gift
to keep
but some have had enough
and want to give it away
call it quits
call it a day
“I’m over it” they say, while under
the weight of it all
and waiting for it all
to lift
But all is not lost
The lady two seats in front
says she delivers catalogues to letterboxes
on the weekend
so she can send
money to a child in Africa
I should feel inadequate
I decide to feel inspired
She looks tired
and I swear to God
I will try to ask for his help less
I confess
right here on this train
to all manner of sins and failings
I want to not make bargains
anymore
I recall
a conversation where we both said
we didn’t wish to be dead
but if given the choice
we would have chosen not to be born
It seemed like such a sad thing
to admit to at the time
but now I’m fine with feeling that way
because that’s not to say
I’m not making the most of every day
Oh no
I’m smelling roses like no one’s business
I’m laughing fit to burst
I’m fighting so hard to stop fearing the worst
about what's in store
things are looking up
like I do at the clouds
a little more than ever before