I Say To Myself

They don’t allow guests in this waiting room

“Patients Only” it says on the door

under “Nuclear Diagnostics”

I know that whoever else joins me in this place

will have their own battle waging

but I’m alone

I try to picture the outside world

with people going about their normal business

not about to be injected with radiation

and strangely I harbor no resentment

“This is my life now" I say to myself

I force myself to look around

at the equipment and monitors

and various other overwhelming paraphernalia

“This is my life now” I say to myself

“Get used to it”

and like many times before

when my nerves send my body shaking

I say to myself

“Get busy living, or get busy dying”

and as I’m lying on the hard table and I’m slid into the tunnel

I close my eyes and say to myself

“how could this be happening?”

when it’s over he meets me in the other waiting room

where guests are allowed

“Lift or stairs?” he asks

I motion towards the stairs

and once in the stairwell

hoping no one will hear

I take his hand

and scream