Reflex

It’s so strange the things you recall

after all this time

laying dormant

Sitting on the edge of the bed

legs dangling over the edge

again with the tests

a little hammer to the knee

boing!

it jerks reactively

What, I always worry, is he precisely wanting it to do

Should my leg shoot out like that

or is that too much?

Was that my natural reflex

or did I unintentionally exaggerate its response

and exactly why

Just why

is this man hitting my knee

what does it have to do with what’s wrong with me

could someone please just explain that to me

Pushed hard up against the wall

his hand under my chin pushes on my neck

stretches me as tall as I can be

he plots my progress on a graph 
a new dot in blue pen 

Testament

My passport and my will

are held together

inside a briefcase

in case of journeys anew or ending

As I wait for the results

I am unable to resist remembering

how you stood in the kitchen

said something wasn’t right

collapsed in my arms

I sat with your head in my lap

after we had slid to the floor

that was the beginning

of the end of it all