you're really not coming back

So this is how it's going to be
you're really not coming back
I feel that now

I know you would do anything necessary and required to return

if you could
but not for yourself
it was never death that scared you
it was leaving us behind

you're really not coming back

I feel that now
the weight of that knowledge
is a new presence
that makes me miss you more than ever
it's been too long and it'll only get longer

I feel that now

did I think this would get easier?

it seems to sometimes

most times

and then I just really want to see you

but you're really not coming back 

and the weight of that knowledge
presses in like panic 

I feel that now

I remember us cleaning the screens with soapy water from a bucket

I had my own little brush, the bristles were coloured rainbow bright

I remember the chairs moved away from the table

into a straight row down the hall 

so you could wash the floor

and I would imagine they were the seats on a bus

and take turns trying each one out

my own driver and passengers

I remember helping you to hang out the washing

making sure the peg colours I handed to you in pairs matched 

just you and me

day after day

I miss that now